Impossible, Awkward, Protestant Moments

Sorry, man. You ain't Prot
enough. Nice beard, though.

I'm a former Protestant. I'm not some cradle Catholic imaging what it is like to be a Protestant. I was one. I know to some, I was not Protestant enough. I was, in their view, born into a community at maybe (to borrow a Catholic phrase) no fault of my own, that wasn't Protestant enough. Oh foolish man that I was, born into a tradition that wasn't Protestant enough!

Luther, Calvin, where art thou???? Save me from this wretched sect that is not Protestant enough!

I was Pentecostal. Not like this, but kind of sort of. Then again, I did really like Reformed theology, especially the doctrines of sola gratia, fide and scriptura. Does that make me Protestant enough? That has to count for something, even if I didn't worship in a place like this. It is all so confusing.

I don't know.

"Go collect all the symbols of fish you can find"

Anyways, I want to now consider some passages of Scripture and some scenarios that are what I call "Catholic ghosts in the Protestant machine." Or, as my title states: impossible, awkward Protestant moments. In other words, a Protestant rendering of Scripture makes these passages awkward if not impossible. Let's first consider John 6 (the way it should read on a Protestant view of the passage):

So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the metaphorical flesh of the Son of Man and drink His metaphorical blood, you have no life in yourselves. He who eats My metaphorical flesh and drinks My metaphorical blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day. For My flesh is true metaphorical food, and My blood is true metaphorical drink. He who eats My metaphorical flesh and drinks My metaphorical blood abides in Me, and I in him. As the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, so he who eats Me metaphorically, he also will live because of Me. This is the metaphorical bread which came down out of heaven; not as the fathers ate and died real bread; he who eats this metaphorical bread will live forever.”

These things He said in the synagogue as He taught in Capernaum.

Therefore many of His disciples, when they heard this said, “This is a difficult metaphorical statement; who can listen to it? I mean, we can barely understand the metaphor.” But Jesus, conscious that His disciples grumbled at this difficult metaphorical teaching, said to them, “Does this cause you to stumble? It shouldn't. Remember, it's only a metaphor! It is the Spirit who gives life; my real flesh profits nothing; the words that I have spoken to you are metaphorical! 

As a result of this incredibly obtuse metaphor, many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore. So Jesus said to the twelve, “You do not want to go away also, do you?” Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have metaphorical words of eternal life.

And at the Last Supper:

"While they were eating, Jesus took some bread, and after a blessing, He broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, “Even though I spoke the entire world into existence, don't be confused. Take, eat; this is merely the great symbol My body.” And when He had taken a cup and given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, “Again, do not be confused that I am changing anything with the power of my words. Drink from it, all of you; for this is merely the great symbol of My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins."

And Matthew 16:

Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, He was asking His disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” And they said, “Some say John the Baptist; and others, Elijah; but still others, Jeremiah, or one of the prophets.” He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter answered, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus said to him, “Blessed are you, Simon Barjona, because flesh and blood did not reveal this to you, but My Father who is in heaven. I also say to you that you are Peter which means rock, and upon this rock, the rock of your confession not the name I just gave you, sorry if that is confusing, I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it. I will give you, as in all believers who have the same faith as you not to be confused with the you you, the keys of the kingdom of heaven; and whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.”

Let's also consider some other awkward aspects of Protestantism in light of history, theology, and Scripture:

3rd Century Bishop making the
sign of the cross

Question: Why did Protestants get rid of the sign of the cross? If sola scriptura includes tradition as many Reformed Protestants claim, why throw out the sign of the cross? This seems to me to be a glaring example of throwing out the baby with the bath water. If, in fact, Protestants threw out the baby with the bath water in this example, what else did they throw out?

Question: Many Protestants like to claim St. Augustine as a kind of Protestant church father. How does a Bishop of Hippo becomes the heir to bishop-less churches?

Question: When Jesus breathed on his Apostles, he said "the sins you retain will be retained." Where does the practice of retaining sins happen in Protestantism?

Question: Why did Protestants take the corpus off of the cross? I get it. Jesus is no longer on the cross. However, that does not mean that we should not reverence Christ on the cross. It is through His sacrifice on the cross that we receive our redemption. So, again, why take the body of Christ off of the cross?

Question: Since Protestants believe that they can be the rightful heirs to Christianity by simply following the Scriptures, that being Apostolic is merely acting a certain way, why couldn't or didn't someone in the Old Testament take the Old Testament Scriptures and claim to be the true Israel?

Just some thoughts. What do you think?